Post by khaleesi on Sept 12, 2013 5:58:50 GMT
It doesn't sound easy does it? It doesn't feel easy at all when you're in that situation. Here goes.
First of all I just want to specify that I've only quite recently realized I'm asexual (January of this year). It is relevant to my story. I had previously attempted to label myself but I never felt completely comfortable with anything - until now. One day I stumbled upon AVEN, did a bit of research on my end and discovered this small but great community I felt right at home with! I knew instantly this was where I fit in, but that I had just never known there was a word for how I felt.
Now, this was fantastic news for me because it meant that I wasn't broken and there was nothing wrong with me, etc... I felt comfortable with the fact that I didn't have to have sex, for the simple reason that I don't enjoy it. So here's the story. In November of the previous year I started dating a girl (let's call her Caroline). It wasn't extremely serious but it was definitely the most serious relationship I'd ever had with a girl, which is to say we were intimate but we weren't necessarily calling each other "my girlfriend" you see? This was a problem. I (previously) thought that sex might get better or that I had to find the right person, or whatever. But now I felt more confident in thinking to myself that I didn't need to want sex, and that it was perfectly okay. However, I liked Caroline, and I knew she liked me and she wanted to see me again. So it was awkward. I felt like I was lying to her, and to me by going out with her again. But I didn't confront her yet. Instead I took the easy path and I said I was too busy to see her again but that I'd call her later. I'm not proud of this decision by the way.
I think I was most afraid of what her reaction might be. I wanted us to still be friends but I was worried she wouldn't even want that if I told her because most people don't even know about asexuality, and even if they do, they barely understand it. For a few months I avoided messaging her and just said hi to her in passing, but it was obvious I wouldn't be able to keep doing this. Not only that, but I could tell she cared about me and even four months later she still regularly texted me to try and ask me out again.
By now I was feeling really guilty about my initial hopes that she might just stop trying if I kept hinting. And finally I decided to see her again to have a talk. She probably knew when I said this that I wasn't about to tell her good news. And I just wanted it over with.
Surprisingly, there was a happy ending. She didn't stare at me like I was a freak, nor was she offended that I didn't enjoy sex. In fact she was really supportive and interested and we ended the relationship on very good terms. She did not want to be in an asexual relationship (but I'd been expecting that so no surprises there). The only question she asked me was very pertinent and I was glad for it: "I hope I had your consent when we slept together because I would feel terrible otherwise. So please tell me if I did anything wrong?" I reassured her that she never did anything that made me truly uncomfortable.
So to sum up this story - I learned that sometimes you're just better off explaining the situation to someone. They might turn out to be very understanding. Of course I know this situation could have ended up completely different but thankfully she's a good person. That's really my only advice: if you feel safe, and you feel like this is a person you can trust, and likes you for you, and is open... tell them! The vast majority of my friends I've come out to have been supportive, albeit confused at first (but nothing that can't be fixed by directing them to a good article on the subject can't fix. Encouraging them to ask you questions should clear things up too!)
First of all I just want to specify that I've only quite recently realized I'm asexual (January of this year). It is relevant to my story. I had previously attempted to label myself but I never felt completely comfortable with anything - until now. One day I stumbled upon AVEN, did a bit of research on my end and discovered this small but great community I felt right at home with! I knew instantly this was where I fit in, but that I had just never known there was a word for how I felt.
Now, this was fantastic news for me because it meant that I wasn't broken and there was nothing wrong with me, etc... I felt comfortable with the fact that I didn't have to have sex, for the simple reason that I don't enjoy it. So here's the story. In November of the previous year I started dating a girl (let's call her Caroline). It wasn't extremely serious but it was definitely the most serious relationship I'd ever had with a girl, which is to say we were intimate but we weren't necessarily calling each other "my girlfriend" you see? This was a problem. I (previously) thought that sex might get better or that I had to find the right person, or whatever. But now I felt more confident in thinking to myself that I didn't need to want sex, and that it was perfectly okay. However, I liked Caroline, and I knew she liked me and she wanted to see me again. So it was awkward. I felt like I was lying to her, and to me by going out with her again. But I didn't confront her yet. Instead I took the easy path and I said I was too busy to see her again but that I'd call her later. I'm not proud of this decision by the way.
I think I was most afraid of what her reaction might be. I wanted us to still be friends but I was worried she wouldn't even want that if I told her because most people don't even know about asexuality, and even if they do, they barely understand it. For a few months I avoided messaging her and just said hi to her in passing, but it was obvious I wouldn't be able to keep doing this. Not only that, but I could tell she cared about me and even four months later she still regularly texted me to try and ask me out again.
By now I was feeling really guilty about my initial hopes that she might just stop trying if I kept hinting. And finally I decided to see her again to have a talk. She probably knew when I said this that I wasn't about to tell her good news. And I just wanted it over with.
Surprisingly, there was a happy ending. She didn't stare at me like I was a freak, nor was she offended that I didn't enjoy sex. In fact she was really supportive and interested and we ended the relationship on very good terms. She did not want to be in an asexual relationship (but I'd been expecting that so no surprises there). The only question she asked me was very pertinent and I was glad for it: "I hope I had your consent when we slept together because I would feel terrible otherwise. So please tell me if I did anything wrong?" I reassured her that she never did anything that made me truly uncomfortable.
So to sum up this story - I learned that sometimes you're just better off explaining the situation to someone. They might turn out to be very understanding. Of course I know this situation could have ended up completely different but thankfully she's a good person. That's really my only advice: if you feel safe, and you feel like this is a person you can trust, and likes you for you, and is open... tell them! The vast majority of my friends I've come out to have been supportive, albeit confused at first (but nothing that can't be fixed by directing them to a good article on the subject can't fix. Encouraging them to ask you questions should clear things up too!)
I explained my full story in an insane post, here: 