Post by emilyk on Nov 18, 2013 9:50:03 GMT
Hi. I'm Emily, and I'm 23 years old. I graduated from Boston University as a Linguistics major in May 2012 and have basically been having a lot of fun being unemployed and spending 90% of my time online since then... yeah kind of embarrassingly lame but hey I also do have the excuse of recovering from some extremely major surgery for some of those months. I also worked in a Temp position for a month at a pretty good company and have interviewed at a few places and probably will work harder on getting a real job by the start of 2014. 
I grew up just thinking I was heterosexual. Whatever. Of course I was. I had a couple crushes on boys whose personalities I was in love with. I loved the idea of falling in love Disney princess style haha or as I got older I felt like I had crushes on some of the male characters on some TV shows I became OBSESSED with. I also liked some of the female characters a lot but I was pretty sure I felt differently about them.
In 5th Grade our public school had sex ed but it was more like puberty ed with some of how the reproductive system worked. In 7th grade we had sex-ed again. I was 12 and shocked but fascinated to learn boys had "Nocturnal Emissions"/"Wet Dreams". Sex ed concluded... and I still had no idea what the process of sex was. I knew sperm and egg made babies. I knew about penises and vaginas and fallopian tubes and all of that. I knew sex led to babies too. But what I didn't get what what exactly a man and woman having sex was. I talked to my then 5th grade & 10 year old brother about it. After seeing a scene in a random rerun episode of Friends, a show we watched fairly often after school, a scene that heavily talked about sex in some way... my brother and I discussed what we thought sex probably was and how it probably worked during the commercial break. That was when I figured out people's body's must magically work together and just know what to do. It felt like such a foreign idea to me and I was frustrated that sex ed never addressed what sex even was. Now, in hindsight/retrospect, I'm also frustrated that my sex-ed classes (including the final one I had in 9th grade) also never discussed asexuality as an option, or even homosexuality lol. Our school... yeah. Whatever. Anyway...
When I was in 8th grade, I think a boy asked me out. He was kind of a bully? Or maybe I was overly sensitive. Him asking me out... I thought maybe he was making fun of me. I was never sure. But I definitely rejected his offer whether it was genuine or not. The idea of going out with him was insane to me.
As I got older, I felt like maybe I should be trying to get a boyfriend. I felt embarrassed to be so inexperienced with seemingly no chance of ever going on a date. My mom told both me and my younger brother that it'd be okay if we were gay. I knew I wasn't. I didn't feel compelled to think about girls in that way.
When I was 17, I asked a boy who was in a bunch of my classes and also on the Chem-a-thon team (yes I was a chemistry nerd) with me to Junior Prom. I knew he was not typically attractive. He had a severe acne problem, probably the most severe of anyone I'd ever met in real life. But I liked his personality. He was the shyest guy around too, and I think I was just really curious to get to know him a tiny bit better. This would be a good excuse to actually talk to him a bit, probably. He also seemed like the kind of guy I could feel more confident didn't already have a date. So I asked. He was caught off guard. He hadn't been planning to go to the dance at all. I told him he could call me later that evening to answer with a yes or no but he needed to decide before the next day, as I had waited till the last chance to buy tickets. He ended up declining. It could've been for any number of reasons - he didn't like me in particular/I wasn't "his type", he was busy that weekend, he just hated/feared the idea of going to a dance... idk. He might be an aromantic asexual guy or a closeted gay or something for all I know. I've stalked his facebook page a little since then. He doesn't even have a profile picture up and his "About" section doesn't mention if he likes men or women, although it does say he's "Christian" with "Democratic" political views...
So... life went on. When I was 17, only a few weeks after Junior Prom, my younger brother and I also stopped living with my (mainly verbally/emotionally) abusive mother. One of the last things she did before I stopped living with her was berate me for the types of bras I'd purchased when on a shopping trip with my dad the previous weekend. I am wide-shouldered and it's hard to find bras that fit me right. She told me I was young and should be buying "sexy" bras and was upset with me for getting "old lady" bras which were disgusting. I wasn't too worried about a guy seeing my bras. That was... not gonna be happening anytime soon. It still upset me for my mother to yell at me about that, though.
Anyway, life went on. When I was 18, my 16-year-old brother told me he'd had his first kiss and it actually made me cry a tiny bit once I walked away from that brief conversation. I was so... jealous. I was so afraid I'd always be alone, I think. I don't know. I tried to hide how upset I was, but it was hard.
At the very end of high school, I went with a group of friends to the senior prom. I was the only one who didn't have a date. I didn't really mind. No one was too weird about it. Most people didn't pressure me to have one or ask me "why". I kind of wished I wasn't the only one alone, though. At the end of the night, as soon as we were leaving the prom, our limo got into a car crash. It was pretty bad, the people in our limo were all pretty much okay but the crash involved some other cars and actually our Prom King ended up temporarily in a wheelchair for graduation. The boyfriend of one of the girls in our friend group who were all in the limo together helped me, in my high heels and prom dress, step over the guard rail. He offered me his hand and it was such a surreal and crazy experience, but that little moment with that boy I didn't even really know who was being nice and touching my hand and helping me as I was dressed up in that outfit that made me feel extra pretty? I felt like a princess. I felt... like a girl, in a good way. Like what I think having random romantic crushes are supposed to feel like. But I don't know what I was feeling. And sex certainly wasn't something that crossed my mind.
I went off to college, and honestly I didn't properly become social the way people are supposed to be in college. I spent too much time with my online friends on twitter and YouTube in the "vidding" community (I'm a "vidder" or fanvideo editor), and even though I did join the chorus and the Board Games Club at my school, and eventually helped work as a crew member on a school TV show they produced, I didn't really socialize too much with people there. One time after chorus rehearsal, I did go back with a small group of people to their dorm and we played Cranium late into the night. I developed a crush on one of the guys, or so I thought. I looked him up on facebook and found out he was gay. Of course he was. It was BU which had more gay guys than most schools anyway, plus the chorus is a stereotypically "gay" thing for a guy to do. I felt kind of disappointed. I don't know.
I was mainly embarrassed when I had to admit to my roommates (different ones every year) that not only was I an 18-22 year old virgin (depending on the year), but I also had never kissed anyone. I think I mainly wanted a romantic relationship because I didn't want to be embarrassed about those facts anymore, but also because I did fantasize about spending my life living with someone who was essentially my best friend, and raising children with them. I wanted a relationship where I could talk to someone about ANYTHING. Where I wouldn't have to feel lonely. Where we could share experiences, the enjoyment of watching TV shows, or raising our children, etc. The children I wanted to have are either fostered or adopted, not because of the sex but because after living with my abusive mother for too long and knowing just how much worse some kids have it, I really wanted to help out the kids who needed it. I still do. I want to adopt and/or foster as many kids as I can handle, as old as I can handle because the older they are, the more they need someone to care/the worse off they are. I actually learned about different birth control methods and always figured I'd be interested in the patch or ring and later when I learned about it, an IUD, probably more than the pill. I always imagined in that sense that one day I'd be regularly sexually active. But it was a vague, general fact that of course I'd be sexual in my future. EVERYONE is. It wasn't ANY desire to have sex.
I heard over the years about females actually masturbating being less common than men doing it, usually at sources that cited that the fact that it was less common for women was because of stigma/taboos and stuff, but I never felt like I wasn't doing it because I thought I "shouldn't". I wasn't doing it because... idk. Why do it? I had touched myself down there just to scratch itches or deal with tampons or all sorts of reasons and the idea of gaining pleasure from that area seemed kind of foreign to me. I put off the idea of trying masturbation for as long as I could. I just... didn't want to do it.
At the end of 2012 when I was 22 and graduated from college, I went on my first date ever. I met a bunch of guys on OkCupid over a long time period (many months) of finally trying that online dating thing and finally decided to go out with one of them. It went great. We were out together for 5 hours. At the end of the night, my date, Jay, leaned down to kiss me, I think. It happened so fast and I think I moved awkwardly, so he ended up opting for a kiss on the cheek instead. Or maybe that was his goal all along, Honestly, I don't even know. I liked it.
The next date I went on with him... I probably should have canceled, or something. I went to a sleepover at my friend's house the night before, an hour and a half away. I stayed up way too late and didn't get enough sleep. I then went on a daytime outing with Jay to a museum and although really out of shape, had to walk around the museum for hours and then walk an absurdly long distance from there to the restaurant we were going to - we should have taken public transportation to cut down the walking time but we didn't. I was exhausted after the dinner but we then went to see a movie. It was my second date EVER with anyone and yes it was an all day event. While walking these absurd distances, Jay wanted to hold hands. I was okay with it, but after we were doing it, it felt uncomfortable. I didn't really love holding hands and walking with him. Hands got sweaty, grips might've been too tight, just... idk. During the movie I actually fell asleep a few times. I was too tired to be there. Afterwards, on the walk back to the metro station, we paused and he kissed me. We parted and walked another block and then tried kissing again, this time for longer. He suggested tongue and asked if I'd ever kissed anyone before. I admitted I hadn't. He was surprised. Too surprised, it made me more uncomfortable and nervous about it all. Anyway. I didn't enjoy the kissing at all, even though we tried it a few times. I didn't feel anything "Special" about it. "Chemistry", some vague "positive" feeling - no. For me it was like "why do people do this again? What is the point? Am I supposed to enjoy this?"
I parted ways with him and called my brother as I waited for the train to arrive in the station. He said it was normal for the first time to be just awkward and for it to take time before you felt chemistry with someone. By this point, my 20-year-old brother had been in a serious relationship with 1 person for 3 years, only having kissed 2 people total in his life, and only had one real romantic relationship. I didn't feel too reassured, though. I felt like it should have been more enjoyable.
I remembered considering asexuality for myself at one point during college, in passing. I had first heard of its existence on twitter when talking to a random atheist acquaintance. She'd linked me to AVEN's "What is asexuality?" main page thing and I'd found it fascinating, and I think mainly dismissed it as not too relevant to my life, since I was heterosexual and had never heard of it otherwise, but a part of me had held onto its existence in the back of my mind as a possibility. I tried to look up if anyone else didn't like kissing on there and all I got were asexuals who ENJOYED kissing but not sex. I felt even more broken for not liking sex. I looked up the "What is sexual attraction?" threads. I found myself not sure if I'd ever experienced sexual attraction. I realized I knew I could tell the difference if people were attractive by society's standards or not, but for myself, I pretty much only cared about personality. I didn't find Jay unattractive, but maybe my lack of sexual attraction to him was the problem, and I needed to try kissing someone different, and then I'd like it. Or maybe my brother was right and it'd just take time.
On my next date with Jay, we were in a rush. We went out to dinner, and then te wanted to show me the movie My Fair Lady in his apartment, so for the first time I went back to his place. We entered, he took off his shoes, and while I was following suit and taking off my shoes, he tried kissing me. I awkwardly evaded it because I was standing in such an awkward position at the time. It was a long movie, and in order to really see the whole thing without me missing the last metro train home that night, we couldn't really pause it. He wanted to maybe try making out during the movie. I asked him if he really wanted me to see it and kind of expressed how being distracted by trying to kiss didn't make sense to me. I suggested pausing it and not needing to see the whole film that night, saving maybe half of it for another night. He didn't like that idea. So we basically... didn't even ever try kissing again. Because after that third date, even though I had thought we'd go on a fourth, he ended up texting me and cited a lot of reasons including a lack of chemistry and not enough shared interests as a reason to move on and see other people instead. I thought we had plenty of interests in common. I thought maybe the chemistry was there for him just not for me and/or that the chemistry feeling would come with time. I wasn't too heartbroken, but I was surprised and disappointed and wished I could've tried kissing him more to see if I could have liked it.
I went out with another guy from a different online dating site, Plenty of Fish, maybe 7 months later, when I was 23 and this new guy, Thomas, was 25. We went on two dates and even though at the end of the first one I explicitly told him he could kiss me if he wanted and I apologized in advance if I was awkward about it, and explained it was just me being really inexperienced. He said it was cool and he was really inexperienced too. He only hugged me goodbye though. At the end of the second one we were alone in a deserted (completely!) parking garage, parting ways, and I lingered near him for too long. I wanted him to try kissing me. But he didn't. I think he was too shy/nervous/inexperienced or something. I could've taken the initiative but I too was too shy/nervous/inexperienced. Again, I thought we'd go on a third date, but he never arranged it, and I found him a little off putting by a couple of things he did on the second date, and by how he was late to both dates and stuff, so I decided to move on. I also knew I definitely didn't find him sexually attractive. He was unattractive by society's standards - shorter than me, quite overweight, balding already. But I didn't think I found anyone sexually attractive. So it didn't really matter, if I liked his personality, right? At that point, I figured if I was anything, I was probably demisexual. I was browsing AVEN's forums a lot and hoping I wasn't asexual. I... I don't know.
I ended up switching my profile pic on a whim on OkCupid and immediately getting messaged by 3 guys, which was much different than my experience most of the entire past year of being on the site. One of the 3 guys was actually in my town, surprisingly close by, and I really liked him right away. We messaged back and forth for a few hours and within the first day of me encountering him online, we decided to meet in person. We hit it off, and our first date went great too. I liked Miles instantaneously. I really was kind of excited for my second try at a first kiss. Miles was a virgin who had actually never kissed anyone before. He was 1 year younger than me - he was 22 and I was 23 - and we could explore these things together. It would be great.
When he asked, I admitted to him in a text that yeah, I'd kind of wished he'd kissed me before leaving me at my house at the end of our second date. After that and before our next date, he kept texting me about how he "couldn't stop thinking about kissing me" and stuff like that. It was cute and he was so excited and I was kind of excited to try it too, although I didn't quite feel like that. We finally did try kissing in a more comfortable position than what I did with Jay. Sitting on Miles' couch I... kissed him a few times, tried "making out" really for the first real time... and found myself bored. It was no better than it was with Jay. I was honest with Miles, even admitting to him that I feared I might be asexual, and kind of explaining what that meant (poorly).
After that point, we continued to date, to even try kissing once every idk, 3 dates lol, but the experience never grew on me. I thought maybe I'd like other things more, like... idk... sensual kissing on my neck or stomach or me kissing him those kinds of places.
I talked to some of my online friends, who are my closest friends in the world, about not liking kissing. All they could tell me was that it was normal and kissing wasn't always too exciting for them either, to just give it time, etc. It didn't feel satisfying. I think I wanted them to tell me I was definitely 100% different from "normal" sexual people, because then I'd know. I wasn't sure if I was asexual or what and their answers weren't helping me.
We talked a lot, mainly via text, about personal things, more about what being asexual would mean or how I hoped I was demisexual and what that'd mean, etc. He told me some of his sexual fantasies, and asked me about mine. He didn't understand how I could have NEVER masturbated, and wondered if it was because of my upbringing. I told him it wasn't. He wanted to know what aroused me. I couldn't give him an answer. He wanted to know if I found him attractive. I told him I did but half felt like I was lying, but it was just that I didn't find ANYONE sexually attractive but I thought he was aesthetically attractive enough, so it wasn't lying. We tried, while awkwardly still entirely clothed, the neck kissing stuff, and it wasn't very... good for either of us, not really. I suggested maybe we try getting more naked. Doing something more sexual. He asked if I wanted to do it right then and there. I said no, as my dad might be coming home any minute. Also, because I needed time to prepare myself. We planned to do it when his mom was at work at his house in about a week. I stressed myself out for like the entire week. I looked up things about sex on Scarleteen's awesome website. I read page after page.
Some of the highlights for me were: www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/an_immodest_proposal
www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/wheres_my_sex_drive_driven_off_to
www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/i_dont_want_to_masturbate_or_have_sex_whats_wrong_with_me
www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist
www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/what_if_i_never_want_or_feel_ready_for_sex
and
www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent
I wanted to experience sex... hoping I'd enjoy some aspect of it, but knowing, deep down, that I wouldn't. That last link particularly made me feel uneasy. I felt like "I wanted to, but..." or like I was still uncomfortable with nakedness. I felt like while I wanted to consent to sex, sort of, I really was NOT enthusiastically saying yes to anything. That second-to-last link made me feel like I should wait. Like I was being stupid to be so afraid that I was asexual. I don't even know.
My boyfriend was understanding and we didn't do anything that Friday like we'd planned. The next day, we hung out together again, and we ended up getting undressed more naturally, and kind of slowly, but before long... and this may be TMI (too much infortmation, so read at your own risk lol)... his penis was right there in front of me and my pants and underwear/bra were off and we were... gonna do this thing. Not intercourse. But something pretty sexual with us both being naked. He tried kissing my nipples and fingering me including at my clitoris, not just the vaginal opening, and he thought since I had quite a bit of cervical mucus down there that I was aroused but I wasn't. I told him as much. I didn't think I was aroused. He was being gentle when he fingered me and it still was uncomfortable/hurt the tiniest bit. He then decided to masturbate in the presence of my naked body and with me watching and I ended up making out with him while he did it. It was an interesting experience, but mainly I felt detached, awkward, not into it, and like I just wanted it to be over. It also... wasn't too scary. It wasn't as bad as I was a little bit afraid as it might be. I didn't enjoy it, but I wasn't upset or something after/during the encounter. I was more bored. It wasn't "bad". It just wasn't "good" really at all. I wanted it to be good, and in some ways the naked "cuddling", being close to him, was kind of nice. He was into it, and a part of me enjoyed making him just the tiniest bit happier, sure. That part was enjoyable for me. He also was disappointed that I wasn't into it more. That was probably the least enjoyable part for me. Because I was disappointing him. I felt... so asexual.
Anyway, I kept trying to work myself up to be ready to actually touch his penis, to keep trying things, idk. Stuff like that. I had never gotten up the motivation to try masturbating, STILL. I don't think I've ever felt aroused. I feel like I have zero sex drive as well as no feelings of sexual attraction and I ended up breaking up with Miles. The sex issue was awkward between us and I really want him to get his fantasies fulfilled, and that include having a BDSM life with a girl/woman who will be dominant while he's submissive, and just the simple act of eating a girl out who actually really enjoys it. He wants that so badly and I don't think he's the kind of guy who would want polyamory or some other way of achieving it while staying with me. I... really never want to have sex. I accepted that I am asexual, then suggested to him that breaking up was the best alternative for HIM to be happy in the long run, right? And he didn't disagree. We parted ways and we both said we had no regrets and it was a great first girlfriend/boyfriend experience for us.
Since I've broke up with him though, I've been... wishing I could just find another great guy who I liked pretty much as much as I liked Miles, but who was asexual just like me. And I've been feeling like that will never in a million years be possible. I've also been considering if I really am a heteroromantic asexual like I think I am, or if maybe I'm biromantic/panromantic and just thought I was hetero because I didn't want to have sex with girls, or I grew up with the everyone is straight by default mentality and without strong feelings for girls just assumed I must be straight or something. OR if I'm aromantic, which is another strong possibility, because while I've always loved the idea of romance, I don't even know what that even meant for me.
When people explain why polyamory makes sense, they mention how you can have multiple people you love in a platonic way in your life. I love my brother and dad both a ton, for instance. I'm super close with them. I understand having different degrees of friendship with people and different degrees of enjoying various family members' company from my mom who abused me and who I want to avoid at all costs/never see again to my cousins and aunts and uncles who I know moderately well to people like my online friends who I'm comfortable talking about anything with or the same thing pretty much goes for my dad and brother. Polyamory, the way I've understood it, implies that you can love more than one person romantically in the same way. There are degrees and different types. And after reading SO MUCH about sex on Scarleteen's site, I can really understand now how you might enjoy sex with two or more different people if you're a sexual person and it not be a bad thing, and you love them both as amazing people in their own right, just like you can have multiple different friends or family members you enjoy spending time with.
When I try to decide what I want out of a relationship, I'm having a hard time deciding if what I want is romantic or platonic. Or if I really am more drawn to guys romantically like I always thought and still kind of think I am, or not, because the idea of doing everything I imagine doing with a guy doesn't actually sound horrible at all to do with a girl. It could be fun either way. I just never imagined falling in love with a girl. I feel inexplicably slightly more interested in doing it all with a guy but there's no concrete, sureness to it. I don't even know if I need to have this kind of single romantic partner in my life for me to be happy, in fact, I'm happy right now even unemployed and just with my dad and all my online friends. I have never felt depressed. I generally can be happy pretty easily. In fact, growing up with my mom who could not find any happiness in her life (look up dysthymia and BPD and there are also other mental disorders my mom has), I feel generally quite happy all the time by comparison. Especially now that my mom's not in my life to bring me down.
I really do feel sad at the prospect of living alone, though. I want a partner to share my life with. I really want to adopt and/or foster kids. Even if I'm single, but it doesn't seem feasible to support myself by having a job and also be able to start a family. You need a partner for that kind of life goal, I feel like. I would love to get married, and even sleep in the same bed as someone - just without the sex. I would love to slow dance with someone as guests at someone's wedding, and to have a person to bring as my date. I'd love to never have to kiss another person again though, except in a platonic kiss on the head type of thing you could do for your kids. I loved cuddling with Miles. I love cuddling with my dad and brother, too. I don't even know what to say/think/feel/do/call myself/plan for the rest of my life/try for. I'm still on OkCupid and I've now added "I'm asexual FYI" near the top of my profile. I'm still only looking for men on there. I tried joining acebook and gosh that site is way worse than I expected. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I feel happy to have finally accepted that I'm asexual, and to have the stress of worrying about how I'm kind of gonna be a virgin for the rest of my life taken away by the asexual community on here and AVEN and tumblr and everywhere saying "it's okay, being asexuxal is one of the many different "normal" orientations out there". I kind of want to buy a black ace ring or ace flax bracelet or something. I am kind of asking my dad for something like that as a Christmas present.
By the way my dad and brother both are pretty accepting of asexuality and whatever I tell them but they also are pretty ignorant about all of it. And I kind of made the mistake of bringing up how MAYBE I might have some hormone problem and could get tested just to make sure, I guess, and it wouldn't hurt anything, but now they think I really should go see a doctor and I really kind of don't want to. I don't know. It's like masturbating or something. I'm like avoiding it for some weird vague emotional reason and it's not a severe phobia/fear/anxiety or complete 100% being against it. It's more like intellectually I basically feel like I should, but I have no desire to do it. For the doctor thing... idk. I mean I should have gone before breaking up with Miles. Now if I find out I just needed some hormones and everything's fine and suddenly I do find guys sexually attractive I've already let go of this amazing guy in my life. I don't know. I don't want to be sexual now that I've finally after like a year of intense soul searching decided I was asexual. But I guess that really won't happen. I shouldn't be afraid of that. I don't know.
I just... I wanted to share my really long personal story. Thanks for reading it. Sorry for the insane length.
~Emily
I grew up just thinking I was heterosexual. Whatever. Of course I was. I had a couple crushes on boys whose personalities I was in love with. I loved the idea of falling in love Disney princess style haha or as I got older I felt like I had crushes on some of the male characters on some TV shows I became OBSESSED with. I also liked some of the female characters a lot but I was pretty sure I felt differently about them.
In 5th Grade our public school had sex ed but it was more like puberty ed with some of how the reproductive system worked. In 7th grade we had sex-ed again. I was 12 and shocked but fascinated to learn boys had "Nocturnal Emissions"/"Wet Dreams". Sex ed concluded... and I still had no idea what the process of sex was. I knew sperm and egg made babies. I knew about penises and vaginas and fallopian tubes and all of that. I knew sex led to babies too. But what I didn't get what what exactly a man and woman having sex was. I talked to my then 5th grade & 10 year old brother about it. After seeing a scene in a random rerun episode of Friends, a show we watched fairly often after school, a scene that heavily talked about sex in some way... my brother and I discussed what we thought sex probably was and how it probably worked during the commercial break. That was when I figured out people's body's must magically work together and just know what to do. It felt like such a foreign idea to me and I was frustrated that sex ed never addressed what sex even was. Now, in hindsight/retrospect, I'm also frustrated that my sex-ed classes (including the final one I had in 9th grade) also never discussed asexuality as an option, or even homosexuality lol. Our school... yeah. Whatever. Anyway...
When I was in 8th grade, I think a boy asked me out. He was kind of a bully? Or maybe I was overly sensitive. Him asking me out... I thought maybe he was making fun of me. I was never sure. But I definitely rejected his offer whether it was genuine or not. The idea of going out with him was insane to me.
As I got older, I felt like maybe I should be trying to get a boyfriend. I felt embarrassed to be so inexperienced with seemingly no chance of ever going on a date. My mom told both me and my younger brother that it'd be okay if we were gay. I knew I wasn't. I didn't feel compelled to think about girls in that way.
When I was 17, I asked a boy who was in a bunch of my classes and also on the Chem-a-thon team (yes I was a chemistry nerd) with me to Junior Prom. I knew he was not typically attractive. He had a severe acne problem, probably the most severe of anyone I'd ever met in real life. But I liked his personality. He was the shyest guy around too, and I think I was just really curious to get to know him a tiny bit better. This would be a good excuse to actually talk to him a bit, probably. He also seemed like the kind of guy I could feel more confident didn't already have a date. So I asked. He was caught off guard. He hadn't been planning to go to the dance at all. I told him he could call me later that evening to answer with a yes or no but he needed to decide before the next day, as I had waited till the last chance to buy tickets. He ended up declining. It could've been for any number of reasons - he didn't like me in particular/I wasn't "his type", he was busy that weekend, he just hated/feared the idea of going to a dance... idk. He might be an aromantic asexual guy or a closeted gay or something for all I know. I've stalked his facebook page a little since then. He doesn't even have a profile picture up and his "About" section doesn't mention if he likes men or women, although it does say he's "Christian" with "Democratic" political views...
So... life went on. When I was 17, only a few weeks after Junior Prom, my younger brother and I also stopped living with my (mainly verbally/emotionally) abusive mother. One of the last things she did before I stopped living with her was berate me for the types of bras I'd purchased when on a shopping trip with my dad the previous weekend. I am wide-shouldered and it's hard to find bras that fit me right. She told me I was young and should be buying "sexy" bras and was upset with me for getting "old lady" bras which were disgusting.
I wasn't too worried about a guy seeing my bras. That was... not gonna be happening anytime soon. It still upset me for my mother to yell at me about that, though.Anyway, life went on. When I was 18, my 16-year-old brother told me he'd had his first kiss and it actually made me cry a tiny bit once I walked away from that brief conversation. I was so... jealous. I was so afraid I'd always be alone, I think. I don't know. I tried to hide how upset I was, but it was hard.
At the very end of high school, I went with a group of friends to the senior prom. I was the only one who didn't have a date. I didn't really mind. No one was too weird about it. Most people didn't pressure me to have one or ask me "why". I kind of wished I wasn't the only one alone, though. At the end of the night, as soon as we were leaving the prom, our limo got into a car crash. It was pretty bad, the people in our limo were all pretty much okay but the crash involved some other cars and actually our Prom King ended up temporarily in a wheelchair for graduation. The boyfriend of one of the girls in our friend group who were all in the limo together helped me, in my high heels and prom dress, step over the guard rail. He offered me his hand and it was such a surreal and crazy experience, but that little moment with that boy I didn't even really know who was being nice and touching my hand and helping me as I was dressed up in that outfit that made me feel extra pretty? I felt like a princess. I felt... like a girl, in a good way. Like what I think having random romantic crushes are supposed to feel like. But I don't know what I was feeling. And sex certainly wasn't something that crossed my mind.
I went off to college, and honestly I didn't properly become social the way people are supposed to be in college. I spent too much time with my online friends on twitter and YouTube in the "vidding" community (I'm a "vidder" or fanvideo editor), and even though I did join the chorus and the Board Games Club at my school, and eventually helped work as a crew member on a school TV show they produced, I didn't really socialize too much with people there. One time after chorus rehearsal, I did go back with a small group of people to their dorm and we played Cranium late into the night. I developed a crush on one of the guys, or so I thought. I looked him up on facebook and found out he was gay. Of course he was. It was BU which had more gay guys than most schools anyway, plus the chorus is a stereotypically "gay" thing for a guy to do. I felt kind of disappointed. I don't know.
I was mainly embarrassed when I had to admit to my roommates (different ones every year) that not only was I an 18-22 year old virgin (depending on the year), but I also had never kissed anyone. I think I mainly wanted a romantic relationship because I didn't want to be embarrassed about those facts anymore, but also because I did fantasize about spending my life living with someone who was essentially my best friend, and raising children with them. I wanted a relationship where I could talk to someone about ANYTHING. Where I wouldn't have to feel lonely. Where we could share experiences, the enjoyment of watching TV shows, or raising our children, etc. The children I wanted to have are either fostered or adopted, not because of the sex but because after living with my abusive mother for too long and knowing just how much worse some kids have it, I really wanted to help out the kids who needed it. I still do. I want to adopt and/or foster as many kids as I can handle, as old as I can handle because the older they are, the more they need someone to care/the worse off they are. I actually learned about different birth control methods and always figured I'd be interested in the patch or ring and later when I learned about it, an IUD, probably more than the pill. I always imagined in that sense that one day I'd be regularly sexually active. But it was a vague, general fact that of course I'd be sexual in my future. EVERYONE is. It wasn't ANY desire to have sex.
I heard over the years about females actually masturbating being less common than men doing it, usually at sources that cited that the fact that it was less common for women was because of stigma/taboos and stuff, but I never felt like I wasn't doing it because I thought I "shouldn't". I wasn't doing it because... idk. Why do it? I had touched myself down there just to scratch itches or deal with tampons or all sorts of reasons and the idea of gaining pleasure from that area seemed kind of foreign to me. I put off the idea of trying masturbation for as long as I could. I just... didn't want to do it.
At the end of 2012 when I was 22 and graduated from college, I went on my first date ever. I met a bunch of guys on OkCupid over a long time period (many months) of finally trying that online dating thing and finally decided to go out with one of them. It went great. We were out together for 5 hours. At the end of the night, my date, Jay, leaned down to kiss me, I think. It happened so fast and I think I moved awkwardly, so he ended up opting for a kiss on the cheek instead. Or maybe that was his goal all along, Honestly, I don't even know. I liked it.
The next date I went on with him... I probably should have canceled, or something. I went to a sleepover at my friend's house the night before, an hour and a half away. I stayed up way too late and didn't get enough sleep. I then went on a daytime outing with Jay to a museum and although really out of shape, had to walk around the museum for hours and then walk an absurdly long distance from there to the restaurant we were going to - we should have taken public transportation to cut down the walking time but we didn't. I was exhausted after the dinner but we then went to see a movie. It was my second date EVER with anyone and yes it was an all day event. While walking these absurd distances, Jay wanted to hold hands. I was okay with it, but after we were doing it, it felt uncomfortable. I didn't really love holding hands and walking with him.
Hands got sweaty, grips might've been too tight, just... idk. During the movie I actually fell asleep a few times. I was too tired to be there. Afterwards, on the walk back to the metro station, we paused and he kissed me. We parted and walked another block and then tried kissing again, this time for longer. He suggested tongue and asked if I'd ever kissed anyone before. I admitted I hadn't. He was surprised. Too surprised, it made me more uncomfortable and nervous about it all. Anyway. I didn't enjoy the kissing at all, even though we tried it a few times. I didn't feel anything "Special" about it. "Chemistry", some vague "positive" feeling - no. For me it was like "why do people do this again? What is the point? Am I supposed to enjoy this?"I parted ways with him and called my brother as I waited for the train to arrive in the station. He said it was normal for the first time to be just awkward and for it to take time before you felt chemistry with someone. By this point, my 20-year-old brother had been in a serious relationship with 1 person for 3 years, only having kissed 2 people total in his life, and only had one real romantic relationship. I didn't feel too reassured, though. I felt like it should have been more enjoyable.
I remembered considering asexuality for myself at one point during college, in passing. I had first heard of its existence on twitter when talking to a random atheist acquaintance. She'd linked me to AVEN's "What is asexuality?" main page thing and I'd found it fascinating, and I think mainly dismissed it as not too relevant to my life, since I was heterosexual and had never heard of it otherwise, but a part of me had held onto its existence in the back of my mind as a possibility. I tried to look up if anyone else didn't like kissing on there and all I got were asexuals who ENJOYED kissing but not sex. I felt even more broken for not liking sex. I looked up the "What is sexual attraction?" threads. I found myself not sure if I'd ever experienced sexual attraction. I realized I knew I could tell the difference if people were attractive by society's standards or not, but for myself, I pretty much only cared about personality. I didn't find Jay unattractive, but maybe my lack of sexual attraction to him was the problem, and I needed to try kissing someone different, and then I'd like it. Or maybe my brother was right and it'd just take time.
On my next date with Jay, we were in a rush. We went out to dinner, and then te wanted to show me the movie My Fair Lady in his apartment, so for the first time I went back to his place. We entered, he took off his shoes, and while I was following suit and taking off my shoes, he tried kissing me. I awkwardly evaded it because I was standing in such an awkward position at the time. It was a long movie, and in order to really see the whole thing without me missing the last metro train home that night, we couldn't really pause it. He wanted to maybe try making out during the movie. I asked him if he really wanted me to see it and kind of expressed how being distracted by trying to kiss didn't make sense to me. I suggested pausing it and not needing to see the whole film that night, saving maybe half of it for another night. He didn't like that idea. So we basically... didn't even ever try kissing again. Because after that third date, even though I had thought we'd go on a fourth, he ended up texting me and cited a lot of reasons including a lack of chemistry and not enough shared interests as a reason to move on and see other people instead. I thought we had plenty of interests in common. I thought maybe the chemistry was there for him just not for me and/or that the chemistry feeling would come with time. I wasn't too heartbroken, but I was surprised and disappointed and wished I could've tried kissing him more to see if I could have liked it.
I went out with another guy from a different online dating site, Plenty of Fish, maybe 7 months later, when I was 23 and this new guy, Thomas, was 25. We went on two dates and even though at the end of the first one I explicitly told him he could kiss me if he wanted and I apologized in advance if I was awkward about it, and explained it was just me being really inexperienced. He said it was cool and he was really inexperienced too. He only hugged me goodbye though. At the end of the second one we were alone in a deserted (completely!) parking garage, parting ways, and I lingered near him for too long. I wanted him to try kissing me. But he didn't. I think he was too shy/nervous/inexperienced or something. I could've taken the initiative but I too was too shy/nervous/inexperienced. Again, I thought we'd go on a third date, but he never arranged it, and I found him a little off putting by a couple of things he did on the second date, and by how he was late to both dates and stuff, so I decided to move on. I also knew I definitely didn't find him sexually attractive. He was unattractive by society's standards - shorter than me, quite overweight, balding already. But I didn't think I found anyone sexually attractive. So it didn't really matter, if I liked his personality, right? At that point, I figured if I was anything, I was probably demisexual. I was browsing AVEN's forums a lot and hoping I wasn't asexual. I... I don't know.
I ended up switching my profile pic on a whim on OkCupid and immediately getting messaged by 3 guys, which was much different than my experience most of the entire past year of being on the site. One of the 3 guys was actually in my town, surprisingly close by, and I really liked him right away. We messaged back and forth for a few hours and within the first day of me encountering him online, we decided to meet in person. We hit it off, and our first date went great too. I liked Miles instantaneously. I really was kind of excited for my second try at a first kiss. Miles was a virgin who had actually never kissed anyone before. He was 1 year younger than me - he was 22 and I was 23 - and we could explore these things together. It would be great.
When he asked, I admitted to him in a text that yeah, I'd kind of wished he'd kissed me before leaving me at my house at the end of our second date. After that and before our next date, he kept texting me about how he "couldn't stop thinking about kissing me" and stuff like that. It was cute and he was so excited and I was kind of excited to try it too, although I didn't quite feel like that. We finally did try kissing in a more comfortable position than what I did with Jay. Sitting on Miles' couch I... kissed him a few times, tried "making out" really for the first real time... and found myself bored. It was no better than it was with Jay. I was honest with Miles, even admitting to him that I feared I might be asexual, and kind of explaining what that meant (poorly).
After that point, we continued to date, to even try kissing once every idk, 3 dates lol, but the experience never grew on me. I thought maybe I'd like other things more, like... idk... sensual kissing on my neck or stomach or me kissing him those kinds of places.
I talked to some of my online friends, who are my closest friends in the world, about not liking kissing. All they could tell me was that it was normal and kissing wasn't always too exciting for them either, to just give it time, etc. It didn't feel satisfying. I think I wanted them to tell me I was definitely 100% different from "normal" sexual people, because then I'd know. I wasn't sure if I was asexual or what and their answers weren't helping me.
We talked a lot, mainly via text, about personal things, more about what being asexual would mean or how I hoped I was demisexual and what that'd mean, etc. He told me some of his sexual fantasies, and asked me about mine. He didn't understand how I could have NEVER masturbated, and wondered if it was because of my upbringing. I told him it wasn't. He wanted to know what aroused me. I couldn't give him an answer. He wanted to know if I found him attractive. I told him I did but half felt like I was lying, but it was just that I didn't find ANYONE sexually attractive but I thought he was aesthetically attractive enough, so it wasn't lying. We tried, while awkwardly still entirely clothed, the neck kissing stuff, and it wasn't very... good for either of us, not really. I suggested maybe we try getting more naked. Doing something more sexual. He asked if I wanted to do it right then and there. I said no, as my dad might be coming home any minute. Also, because I needed time to prepare myself. We planned to do it when his mom was at work at his house in about a week. I stressed myself out for like the entire week. I looked up things about sex on Scarleteen's awesome website. I read page after page.
Some of the highlights for me were: www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/an_immodest_proposal
www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/wheres_my_sex_drive_driven_off_to
www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/i_dont_want_to_masturbate_or_have_sex_whats_wrong_with_me
www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist
www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/what_if_i_never_want_or_feel_ready_for_sex
and
www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent
I wanted to experience sex... hoping I'd enjoy some aspect of it, but knowing, deep down, that I wouldn't. That last link particularly made me feel uneasy. I felt like "I wanted to, but..." or like I was still uncomfortable with nakedness. I felt like while I wanted to consent to sex, sort of, I really was NOT enthusiastically saying yes to anything. That second-to-last link made me feel like I should wait. Like I was being stupid to be so afraid that I was asexual. I don't even know.
My boyfriend was understanding and we didn't do anything that Friday like we'd planned. The next day, we hung out together again, and we ended up getting undressed more naturally, and kind of slowly, but before long... and this may be TMI (too much infortmation, so read at your own risk lol)... his penis was right there in front of me and my pants and underwear/bra were off and we were... gonna do this thing. Not intercourse. But something pretty sexual with us both being naked. He tried kissing my nipples and fingering me including at my clitoris, not just the vaginal opening, and he thought since I had quite a bit of cervical mucus down there that I was aroused but I wasn't. I told him as much. I didn't think I was aroused. He was being gentle when he fingered me and it still was uncomfortable/hurt the tiniest bit. He then decided to masturbate in the presence of my naked body and with me watching and I ended up making out with him while he did it. It was an interesting experience, but mainly I felt detached, awkward, not into it, and like I just wanted it to be over. It also... wasn't too scary. It wasn't as bad as I was a little bit afraid as it might be. I didn't enjoy it, but I wasn't upset or something after/during the encounter. I was more bored. It wasn't "bad". It just wasn't "good" really at all. I wanted it to be good, and in some ways the naked "cuddling", being close to him, was kind of nice. He was into it, and a part of me enjoyed making him just the tiniest bit happier, sure. That part was enjoyable for me. He also was disappointed that I wasn't into it more. That was probably the least enjoyable part for me. Because I was disappointing him. I felt... so asexual.
Anyway, I kept trying to work myself up to be ready to actually touch his penis, to keep trying things, idk. Stuff like that. I had never gotten up the motivation to try masturbating, STILL. I don't think I've ever felt aroused. I feel like I have zero sex drive as well as no feelings of sexual attraction and I ended up breaking up with Miles. The sex issue was awkward between us and I really want him to get his fantasies fulfilled, and that include having a BDSM life with a girl/woman who will be dominant while he's submissive, and just the simple act of eating a girl out who actually really enjoys it. He wants that so badly and I don't think he's the kind of guy who would want polyamory or some other way of achieving it while staying with me. I... really never want to have sex. I accepted that I am asexual, then suggested to him that breaking up was the best alternative for HIM to be happy in the long run, right? And he didn't disagree. We parted ways and we both said we had no regrets and it was a great first girlfriend/boyfriend experience for us.
Since I've broke up with him though, I've been... wishing I could just find another great guy who I liked pretty much as much as I liked Miles, but who was asexual just like me. And I've been feeling like that will never in a million years be possible. I've also been considering if I really am a heteroromantic asexual like I think I am, or if maybe I'm biromantic/panromantic and just thought I was hetero because I didn't want to have sex with girls, or I grew up with the everyone is straight by default mentality and without strong feelings for girls just assumed I must be straight or something. OR if I'm aromantic, which is another strong possibility, because while I've always loved the idea of romance, I don't even know what that even meant for me.
When people explain why polyamory makes sense, they mention how you can have multiple people you love in a platonic way in your life. I love my brother and dad both a ton, for instance. I'm super close with them. I understand having different degrees of friendship with people and different degrees of enjoying various family members' company from my mom who abused me and who I want to avoid at all costs/never see again to my cousins and aunts and uncles who I know moderately well to people like my online friends who I'm comfortable talking about anything with or the same thing pretty much goes for my dad and brother. Polyamory, the way I've understood it, implies that you can love more than one person romantically in the same way. There are degrees and different types. And after reading SO MUCH about sex on Scarleteen's site, I can really understand now how you might enjoy sex with two or more different people if you're a sexual person and it not be a bad thing, and you love them both as amazing people in their own right, just like you can have multiple different friends or family members you enjoy spending time with.
When I try to decide what I want out of a relationship, I'm having a hard time deciding if what I want is romantic or platonic. Or if I really am more drawn to guys romantically like I always thought and still kind of think I am, or not, because the idea of doing everything I imagine doing with a guy doesn't actually sound horrible at all to do with a girl. It could be fun either way. I just never imagined falling in love with a girl. I feel inexplicably slightly more interested in doing it all with a guy but there's no concrete, sureness to it. I don't even know if I need to have this kind of single romantic partner in my life for me to be happy, in fact, I'm happy right now even unemployed and just with my dad and all my online friends. I have never felt depressed. I generally can be happy pretty easily. In fact, growing up with my mom who could not find any happiness in her life (look up dysthymia and BPD and there are also other mental disorders my mom has), I feel generally quite happy all the time by comparison. Especially now that my mom's not in my life to bring me down.
I really do feel sad at the prospect of living alone, though. I want a partner to share my life with. I really want to adopt and/or foster kids. Even if I'm single, but it doesn't seem feasible to support myself by having a job and also be able to start a family. You need a partner for that kind of life goal, I feel like. I would love to get married, and even sleep in the same bed as someone - just without the sex. I would love to slow dance with someone as guests at someone's wedding, and to have a person to bring as my date. I'd love to never have to kiss another person again though, except in a platonic kiss on the head type of thing you could do for your kids. I loved cuddling with Miles. I love cuddling with my dad and brother, too. I don't even know what to say/think/feel/do/call myself/plan for the rest of my life/try for. I'm still on OkCupid and I've now added "I'm asexual FYI" near the top of my profile. I'm still only looking for men on there. I tried joining acebook and gosh that site is way worse than I expected. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I feel happy to have finally accepted that I'm asexual, and to have the stress of worrying about how I'm kind of gonna be a virgin for the rest of my life taken away by the asexual community on here and AVEN and tumblr and everywhere saying "it's okay, being asexuxal is one of the many different "normal" orientations out there". I kind of want to buy a black ace ring or ace flax bracelet or something. I am kind of asking my dad for something like that as a Christmas present.
By the way my dad and brother both are pretty accepting of asexuality and whatever I tell them but they also are pretty ignorant about all of it. And I kind of made the mistake of bringing up how MAYBE I might have some hormone problem and could get tested just to make sure, I guess, and it wouldn't hurt anything, but now they think I really should go see a doctor and I really kind of don't want to. I don't know. It's like masturbating or something. I'm like avoiding it for some weird vague emotional reason and it's not a severe phobia/fear/anxiety or complete 100% being against it. It's more like intellectually I basically feel like I should, but I have no desire to do it. For the doctor thing... idk. I mean I should have gone before breaking up with Miles. Now if I find out I just needed some hormones and everything's fine and suddenly I do find guys sexually attractive I've already let go of this amazing guy in my life. I don't know. I don't want to be sexual now that I've finally after like a year of intense soul searching decided I was asexual. But I guess that really won't happen. I shouldn't be afraid of that. I don't know.
I just... I wanted to share my really long personal story. Thanks for reading it. Sorry for the insane length.
~Emily
